


Howard's Birthday Gift

by concupiscence66



Category: The Mighty Boosh (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-31
Updated: 2015-08-31
Packaged: 2018-04-18 05:40:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4694135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/concupiscence66/pseuds/concupiscence66
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The bouncy castle was a perfect gift for Howard.  Nothing but porn and nonsense.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Howard's Birthday Gift

"Where's your girl?" Howard asked, barely glancing up as Vince approached. 

"Funny thing. Her husband showed up as well," Vince explained as he climbed onto the bouncy castle. "All in all, not a great night for me."

"Do you have to sit so close?" Howard snapped as Vince settled in beside his friend. "There's plenty of room, you know, you don't always have to be right on top of me."

Vince knew better than to pay Howard any mind when he was in a mood. "So what happened to Andrea?"

"Who?"

Vince rolled his eyes, "The pencil case girl you were so madly in love with?"

"Oh..." Howard's eyes were shifting back and forth as he stalled. Vince knew he was debating between telling the truth or making up some ego protecting lie.

"What happened?" Vince prompted, rubbing his arm against Howard's. 

"She wasn't so much a girl as... Old Gregg in a girl suit."

Vince felt queasy. When Andrea had come into the shop, looking for jazz records, Vince honestly thought she and Howard might have made a good pair. While Howard was at the bank, Vince quickly devised and implemented the perfect plan. Howard would go to his own party and he would talk to a pretty girl and finally have a nice birthday. What could be better? 

Vince went red as he remembered how surprisingly soft Howard's lips had felt against his own, and how the bristles of his mustache had scratched his face like a brillo pad.

It was genius.

"Sorry, Howard. How'd you get rid of him? Her? Zim? I'm not sure what to call..." Vince trailed off, still baffled by the necessary pronoun. As someone who straddled the gender lines, he wanted to be respectful.

"It's a funny thing, I did ask Old Gregg what he preferred to be called, and he said, 'I'm Old Gregg!'. It was just one of the many stimulating conversations we've had."

Howard was looking surly, but there was a little hint of something in his eyes. Howard liked making Vince laugh.

Vince laughed and rested his head on Howard's shoulder, "I'm sorry, Howard. I suppose it wouldn't help for me to say there are other fish in the sea?"

Vince guffawed as Howard pushed him over, causing the whole bouncy castle to move and sway. Howard was trying to sit still and look angry, but Vince kept moving until Howard fell over.

"This is no time for terrible word play," Howard growled as he tried to sit up. Vince tossed himself down, causing the castle to shift again and leave Howard lying on his back (looking a bit like a turtle).

"S'right. We should save the terrible jokes for your stand-up act," Vince teased, climbing to his feet for a proper jump. Before he could stand, Howard reached out and pulled one of his legs out from under him. 

"I told you, it wasn't stand-up, it was beat poetry," Howard whined, refusing to let go of Vince's socked foot. "You weren't suppose to laugh. Or heckle."

In one quick movement, Vince freed his foot (and sock) from Howard's hand.

"I was being encouraging. I was coaching you!"

"So, 'quit being so boring' and 'say something funny' are your ideas of coaching?" Howard asked, still trying to grab one of Vince's legs.

Someone was always going on about honesty being the best policy, but Vince was pretty confident that the truth wouldn't go over real well with Howard. "I intentionally ruined your poem because I hate when you talk about women or really about anything other than me," probably wasn't an explanation Howard would appreciate. Howard knew Vince was jealous of his attention, but he didn't know the whole story. Maybe he even knew about Vince's crush on him, but there was no way Howard knew how badly Vince wanted him. It was a feeling that had grown from noticing Howard was kind of cute when he smiled to an obsessive and jealous love worthy of a Greek tragedy. Vince wasn't about to marry his mother or gauge out his own eyes (1. He never met her 2. His eyes were his best feature), but he was willing to torture his best friend and the love of his life until the end of time. Or at least until Howard got fed up and left.

Mama Zoom told Vince he needed to spend time with a healthy and loving couple, and that his days of being moved from foster home to foster home has twisted his understanding of love and made him deeply insecure with attachment issues. Vince told Mama Zoom to go back to eating her toast while he changed Howard's profile on LoveMatch.com to say his 'interests' were pulling the wings off of flies and collecting his own urine in a jar.

"You don't need to be a poet," Vince reminded him, as he tried to squirm away. "You're in a band, now. We don't need side projects."

Vince was on his knees and ready to stand up when he was knocked flat onto his face. He could feel Howard's full weight against his back.

"I'm a spanner of the genres, Vince. I'm Howard Moon, adventurer, poet, musician..."

"Cyclist, stamp collector," Vince continued with a roll of his eyes. "I've read your profile."

Vince should have tried to get away, because that was how play wrestling worked. Howard pinned him and then Vince tried to squirm out of his grasp. Instead, Vince was lying still, enjoying the intimacy of the touch and thinking about the kiss they'd shared on the roof.

By the time he realized his mistake, it was already too late. The atmosphere was tense and Vince was realizing the term 'painfully hard' was always applicable to a person in drain pipes.

"You okay, Little Man?" Howard asked, climbing off of Vince and running his hand down Vince's back as though checking for injuries.

There was no way Vince was sitting up.

"I'm sorry about Andrea," he said, surprised at how much he meant it. "I wanted you to have a really nice birthday. I know I've been kind of a tit lately..."

"Lately? Kind of?" Howard was trying to sound serious, but Vince could hear the laughter in his tone. 

Vince was going to spend the rest of his life lying face down on a bouncy castle. Maybe not literally, but at least figuratively. He'd always be dancing around Howard, trying to get his attention while simultaneously trying to hide from him. He wanted Howard to look, but not to see.

"Why are feelings so complicated?" Vince mused aloud. "Why can't they just be simple?"

Howard rubbed Vince's back in a friendly and gentle manner. Every time he moved his hand down, Vince willed him to go further. Two weeks earlier, Vince had sex with a beautiful man in an ugly hotel room while fantasizing about getting a feel-up from Howard. That wasn't normal. That couldn't be normal. He tried to think about Howard's wrinkles and paunch and his godawful clothes, but it didn't help. When he looked at Howard's smile lines and crow's feet, he thought of all the times he'd made Howard laugh until he couldn't breathe. Howard's tummy made him think of all the meals and pints they'd shared. And Howard's clothes? They only made him think about what was underneath...

"I don't know, Little Man," Howard sighed, as he continued stroking Vince's back. 

Vince closed his eyes and concentrated on the feeling of Howard's hand. Sometimes Howard made a wide circle and brushed the waist of Vince's drainpipes. He tried to subtly move his hips to get Howard's hand to stray lower. 

"The party wasn't all bad," Howard said in a strangely husky tone. 

"You nearly lost your virginity to a merman," Vince pointed out. "That's not a good birthday party. In fact, that is definition of a really bad party. You didn't... I mean, it was only almost. Right?"

Howard smacked Vince on the ass. "Nothing happened. Tony Harrison slipped Gregg some acid. He ended up in a corner trying to hide from the color blue."

"Genius."

"I'm not sure that's the word I would use," Howard sighed.

"Did you kiss him?" Vince asked, feeling a panic rising in his stomach. "Did he touch you?"

Howard rested his hand on Vince's hip. "Nothing happened. I was... I might have been off my game."

"You weren't your usual Casanova self?" Vince teased. "You weren't coming at him like a fat buzzard in the night?"

When Howard didn't respond, Vince glanced over his shoulder and found Howard staring blankly at Vince's back.

"What's wrong, Howard?"

Howard looked Vince directly in the eye, until Vince had to look away.

"On the roof..."

"Don't!" Vince yelled directly into the bouncy castle.

Howard pulled his hand away.

"Don't stop," Vince said, this time barely whispering. He was having trouble controlling the volume of his voice.

Howard's hand returned to Vince's back, again rubbing in increasingly larger circles until he was past what could still be called 'lower back' and very much in the arse region. Vince held his breath each time Howard's fingers ran over his rear end, until Howard finally settled his hand on Vince's bum for a proper feel. He stared down at the bouncy castle bellow him as Howard fondled and squeezed. Vince had been felt up before. Sometimes is was fun and sexy, sometimes it was just some gross guy in a bar, but he'd always known how to respond before. He felt equal parts hopeful, horny, scared and completely lost. 

When Howard ran his hand down the crack of Vince's arse, Vince instinctively spread his legs a bit. After a moment of hesitation, Howard moved his hand a little lower, and Vince lifted his hips so Howard could cup his painfully packaged... package. 

Howard was holding his dick, and Vince was afraid that any movement would, in one way or another, bring the unexpected turn of events to a halt.

"Vince?"

"Yeah, Howard?" Vince responded, still staring down at the bouncy castle. Howard never had good birthdays, but he really loved the bouncy castle. That was one thing Vince had gotten right.

Vince groaned when Howard pulled his hand away, but soon enough, he was being tossed onto his back and getting snogged by Howard, who had all the skill and enthusiasm of a fourteen-year-old boy.

Not that Vince was any smoother. He was trying to mush their faces together as tightly as possible while clutching at Howard's curly hair and plump arse. Howard's hard-on was pressed into Vince's thigh, and his hands were everywhere. It was awkward and sloppy and Vince was afraid he was going to come in his pants because it felt so impossibly good. When Howard suddenly went still, Vince continued to paw at him for a moment before he realized what had Howard on edge.

"I'm a married man!" Tony Harrison yelled from somewhere in the darkness. "This was a one time thing. If Mrs. Harrison found out, I'd be a dead man."

"I'm a severed head, you're a disgusting pink octopus thing. We're meant for one another," Lester argued. "Don't tell me you didn't feel something. I'm feeling something right now..."

"This is an outrage!"

"Take it to a hotel, ballbags," Naboo snapped. "I just spent twenty minutes talking Dennis off the roof, this party is over."

"Was he trying to off himself?" Tony asked with mild concern.

"No, he was trying to fly. He had a brownie and it was too much for him."

"One of your special brownies?" Lester asked cordially. "You're one hell of a cook, little turban guy."

"No, it was a regular one," Naboo sighed before adding, "I thought you were blind?"

"When you lose your body, your head powers get stronger," was Lester's typically nonsensical answer.

"Where's Howard?" Lester asked. "I'll need help getting home. I suppose I'll need a lot of help..."

"Haven't seen him," Naboo replied brusquely. "He must be off somewhere, bummin' Vince."

"Do Howard and Vince share the love that dares not speak its name?" Lester asked. "Because I have noticed Howard checking out my fruit basket, if you know what I mean. He's a nice enough guy, but he's a bit old and boring for a man like me. I like something a bit more... exotic."

"Get off!" Tony yelled. "You'll be boiling my pet rabbit next."

"Well, we all know Howard was a virgin earlier tonight," Naboo said before pausing to let everyone snicker, "but, there's no way Vince is going to let that last. He's always looking for some new and creepy way to be the most important thing in Howard's life."

It was too dark for Vince to read the expression on Howard's face. He wanted to get back to making out (and not hearing about a tit he was), but he was afraid to move.

"Remember when Howard bought that record and Vince ate a piece of it?" Lester reminisced. "I nearly died that day, just because he was jealous of a record."

"You nearly died today, because Vince was trying to make Howard jealous with Dennis's wife," Kirk added. 

"There's that," Lester agreed. "But, I'm not going to hold that against him. Love makes a man do crazy things. Like one time, this girl asked me to take a bottle of wine and shove it up my..."

"Love is disgusting," Saboo interrupted. "We get the picture. Please don't illustrate it further with stories of your saggy balled adventures. Is anyone is any condition to drive the carpet, or am I going to have to call a cab?"

Other than Bollo observing that Vince was as precious and beautiful as a flower, if not quite as smart, and that Howard was a walking, mustachioed prick, the shaman had little else to add about Howard and Vince before heading off into the night. 

Once they were gone, Howard began to gingerly lift himself off of Vince, and for a moment - Vince was prepared to accept defeat. He had been called out on being a needy brat and he had lost his chance to get off with Howard. He had no one to blame but himself. Howard was carefully scooting backwards, apparently trying not to shake the castle and draw attention to them, when Vince remembered something important: he was a needy brat who wanted to get off with Howard. He quickly tackled his friend, hanging on tightly as the castle tossed them about. Howard didn't seem to be trying to escape, if fact, he seemed to be trying to find a way into Vince's outfit, something even an experienced lover with a working knowledge of fashion would have found nearly impossible. Even though Howard had seen him in his pants on many occasions, Vince felt shy about lifting his tunic. He'd spent hours choosing the perfect outfit so that he was covered but revealed, half man and half bird and the epitome of androgyny. He knew Howard wouldn't appreciate any of it, but he still wanted to be the most interesting person at Howard's party. Maybe he'd gone a bit too far and pulled focus from Howard, but Vince had never had a head for moderation.

Vince guided Howard's hand under his top and towards the button on his gold trousers. It wasn't quite his fantasy of Howard ripping off his clothes, but Howard growling, "Sod it" and angrily ripping the button off his drainpipes was close enough. 

Vince was on his back and Howard was kneeling over him, slowly working his hand into Vince's tight trousers.

"Are you wearing pants?" Howard whispered as his long fingers worked their way farther down. 

"I couldn't get these trousers on over pants," Vince whispered, immediately wishing he'd said it in a sexier way instead of in a hushed squawk. 

Howard snickered until Vince pinched his stomach. 

"What happened to your corset?" Vince sneered. He felt bad when Howard sucked in his stomach, but he also felt a familiar rush of excitement at having a little bit of power over Howard. Sometimes he felt like a puppy nipping at Howard's heels, annoying but ineffectual. When a bite landed, it was proof that Howard was paying attention. 

Vince slid his hand under Howard's rollneck, feeling his soft belly and gently prompting Howard to breathe. 

"I like your tummy," Vince whispered before moving his hand down to Howard's tented cords. "I like you."

Howard's breathing was shallow and uneven as Vince stroked him through entirely too much cloth. 

"You send mixed signals, Little Man," said the man who had declared his undying love for Vince before pissing off with a girl whose name he never bothered to learn.

Vince lifted up on one arm to nuzzle Howard's crotch, before pulling his trousers and pants down and taking the head of his cock into his mouth. He was able to give Howard about twenty seconds of amazing head before he was shoved away.

Vince fell back on the bouncy castle hard enough to knock Howard down on top of him.

He was surprised to feel his trousers being roughly tugged down towards his ankles. Apparently, Howard was not done with their little adventure. It was a good thing Vince had taken off his boots, Howard wouldn't have stood a chance against those bad boys.

"Can I get a little help here, sir?" Howard asked, his tone snappish. Vince missed being back at the zoo, when Howard had always been bossy and short-tempered. When they moved in together, Howard became comparatively respectful and friendly. It was nice that Howard was trying, but Vince liked Howard best when he wasn't trying. He liked gruff and grumpy, unshaven Howard. For a city boy like Vince, Howard was like a tree breaking through the pavement, one completely real thing in an utterly manufactured world.

Vince tried to kick off his drainpipes as Howard pulled.

"What if someone comes by?" Vince whispered. 

"Since when do you mind people watching you?" Howard quietly teased. Howard's voice sounded sexy and husky and almost unrecognizable. "Besides, you have your little dress thing."

Vince would have given Howard a quick lesson on fashion, but then Howard started kissing the inside of Vince's thighs and everything else seemed unimportant. Howard's mustache was prickly against the tender skin just inches from Vince's twig and berries.

"Did you shave your legs?" Howard whispered as he stroked the smooth skin.

"Course not! It's the drain pipes. They wear away the... oh, fucking hell!"

Howard stopped sucking him off just long enough to tenderly whisper, "Shut up, ya berk."

Howard made sloppy and obscene noises as he sucked and stroked with his big hands and his big mouth. Vince stared up at the moon, the only source of light threatening to expose their private moment.

"The moon's giving me a well creepy look," Vince whispered as he shuddered. "I think he's getting into it..."

Howard didn't bother responding, he just flipped Vince onto his stomach and began stroking the crack of his ass with wet fingers. 

"Are you actually going to bum me on a bouncy castle?" Vince asked, shuddering as Howard began working a finger inside.

"Is that a problem?" Howard asked, sounding concerned but not halting his preparations.

"Just a bit of a surprise. Remember when we went camping and you were too nervous to take a piss behind that bush? You're such a prude."

"It wasn't a bush, it was Bollo and we weren't camping, we were in our living room. You'd just eaten three of Naboo's hashcakes because you were out of proper sweets."

"That was a great night," Vince reminisced. "I don't remember a thing."

Howard suddenly draped himself over Vince's back, his cock bumping against Vince's exposed arse, and whispered into his ear, "You said you wanted me to... You said you thought of me while other men... made love to you. Is that true?"

Vince was grateful he was already lying down, otherwise that little revelation would have knocked him flat.

"So you've known all this time?" Vince whispered, feeling angry and embarrassed and incredibly turned on because Howard was so close to where he was supposed to be. "Why didn't you say something?"

"You thought Bollo was a bush and wanted me to pee on him because you were holed up in the bathroom talking to 'Bryan Ferry'. I wasn't sure... I was scared. I still am."

"You got anything we can use for lube?" Vince asked, trying to focus on the task at hand.

It was a silly question and Howard immediately produced his sex survival bag. Howard Moon never left the house unprepared. He had lubricant, condoms for her pleasure and his, wet wipes for cleaning up, some antifungal cream for... God only knew what Howard was preparing for there, but he was certainly prepared.

"Hurry up, before anyone comes... Arrives."

Howard snickered, but he quickly began pouring what felt like a river of ice cold lube into the crack of Vince's arse. 

"Your cock ain't that big," Vince chided. "I'm not going to mount Big Ben..."

It was hard to gripe once Howard began the gentle process of working well lubricated fingers in and out of Vince's arse, stretching him with a surprising amount of skill. Either Howard had been practicing on himself, or he'd been doing a great deal of studying. Vince found both images to be... intriguing. 

"Go ahead, Howard," Vince squeaked, mentally cursing his wonky vocal chords. "I'm ready."

It was hard to find a position that worked, with the bouncy castle moving about, and after a few false starts - Vince ended up on his back with his legs around Howard's waist. It was nice to be able to hold Howard and kiss him even as he grumbled and cursed. With a little help from Vince, Howard was able to find his mark. As soon as he breached Vince's body, Howard's cock began twitching like he was ready to come.

"Hold on, Big Man," Vince whispered. "I want you to fuck me right."

"Not helping," Howard muttered, but he maintained a slow and steady pace.

"I want this to be so good, you can never fuck someone else without thinking of me."

Howard groaned into Vince shoulder. 

"Harder, Howard. I want to feel you when I wake up tomorrow. I want the first thing I remember to be your cock inside me..."

"Shush! You're making this harder..." Howard suddenly chuckled. "Harder, that's one of mine..."

"I want you to want to do it to me again and again. I don't want you looking at anyone else," Vince growled as Howard tried to bum him into the fabric of the bouncy castle. The harder the thrust, the harder the bouncy castle pushed back. Vince had been on some waterbeds in his time, but they had nothing on the bouncy castle when it came to making sex feel athletic, dangerous and incredibly dirty. 

"I want you to come inside me," Vince whimpered, and Howard obliged with groan and a shiver. Vince felt an unfamiliar flood of warmth inside. He'd never let anyone fuck him without a condom before. 

"Oh, Howard," he whispered.

"Oh, hell. I forgot the condom," Howard whispered back. "I got a bit confused with the talking..."

Vince shut Howard up with a kiss.

"Happy birthday, Howard."

Howard ducked his head, even in the moonlight it was obvious his face had gone beet red.

"Thanks, Little Man. You know you're not getting your deposit back on this castle, right? There are going to be... stains."

"There'll be more before the night is through," Vince announced, trying to sound cocky and not scared out of his mind about the fact he'd just changed everything in his life that was safe and predictable.

Howard grunted, and no doubt he rolled his eyes at Vince's comment, but took his hand as they lay on the soiled bouncy castle and gazed at the gentle face of the moon. When they saw a sudden flurry of shooting stars, it made Vince happy to think that maybe (just maybe) the moon was having a wank.


End file.
